Life as a Blogger Vol. 1

I thought I'd try something new by Bloging during the day. I had my topic, I was cozy and ready to type. No soon as I could comfortably rest my fingers on the keyboard, I hear, "You know you gotta get outta my seat, right?" I was getting the boot from Nana to remove my tail from her recliner while being towered over.

I didn't say anything. I packed my shit and relocated to the kitchen island to sit peacefully on the bar stool. I thought I was safe from all things. Ehh! Wrong. I got distracted by the Strawberry Cream Cheese pound cake setting beside me. So I ate some. Aye. What can I say? Cake always wins. I thought I was safe after digesting the processed goodness. Wrong again. My cousin Marie saw me eating a slice and just as all things happen around here she went and got her some. The unwritten code around here is: when you spot someone eating in the kitchen you are morally obligated to join them to potentially gain weight. It's a vicious cycle. Still being part of the vicious food cycle, I found myself in the walk in pantry sneaking Cheez-Its. Then, my cousin Mikal (Michael) shouts out, "Who wants my cup of noodles?"

Me: "What's wrong wit 'em?"

Mikal: "Nothing. I don't really like noodles. I heated them up because I was hungry. I'm about to go get something to eat." That's code for "getting fast food".

Me: (peeping out of the pantry munching on the crispy cheese snack squares) I look over at Marie to have a telepathic conversation, I blurt, "Fine. I'll eat it."

Mikal goes away and Marie shouts "I wanted the noodles." I reply, "You was too slow."

Deep inside I was yelling at myself  "I need to get skinny by September 18th!" But no matter how many times I keep reminding myself, I can't keep from eating. Am I greedy? Yes. But this is beyond the usual. PMS is a motha. It transforms this chick into a beast!

I just wanna take time out to apologize to all my male readers for mentioning the unmentionable. I know how hearing about PMS and a woman's cycle makes you feel weird inside. You'll all get over it...eventually.

Finally after the cake, the noodles, the Cheez-Its, the Kool-Aid, the salad I found abandoned on the kitchen counter is all ate and digested, it's back to business. But just as before, right as I get myself comfortable enough to type,  I rested my fingers on the keyboard and I hear, "WHERE IS THAT LITTLE GIRL!" Marie's mother comes bursting through the front door.

Me: "Upstairs"

Shavonne: Stomping upstairs "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HANGING UP ON ME?!" I heard a smack followed by Marie running downstairs. I looked up to make sure she was alright and I tried to get back in the zone. What was followed after that was loud talking, yelling, the television blaring, kids running through the house, doors slamming. I couldn't take the noise. No wonder I wait until everyone is sleep to blog. The noise in this house drives me up the walls. I can't focus.

So this is my life as a blogger and sort of a "What not to do".

If I could remember my blog topic I would eventually post it. Until then, I need quiet time.

Mandatory Sex Parties

So, there I was being bored in my room minding my own business reading old Blog posts from Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh, when I started to read What Google Needs is Mandatory Sex Parties.

Before I started reading this post, I read the post before it, Allie Gets Arrested. This is a story within a story within a story that goes back to the original story. In the story that was actually being told, Allie and her friend Roger was arrested for apparently "moving a log", leaving broken beer bottles on the ground, and fire. Only they weren't the ones doing it. Can someone say falsely accused? While Allie and Roger was being held captive well...I let her tell the story.

"We finally arrived in front of a cute little farm house that would have seemed quaint and inviting under any other circumstances.  Well, maybe not any other circumstance - like probably not if we were there because we thought we were going to a costume party but it actually turned out to be a mandatory sex party.  Do people have mandatory sex parties?"

And THAT is where it all started.

The next Blog post, What Google Needs is Mandatory Sex Parties, goes even further off the edge.

The next day, or however long it was because Allie doesn't show post dates on her Blog, researches "Mandatory Sex Parties" and comes up with this

"So I googled it. And this is what I found (you'll probably have to click to make it bigger, but it's worth it): Apparently I'm the only person on the whole Internet to ever use the phrase "mandatory sex party."

I win."

 I *died laughed* after reading what she typed and took a closer look at the screen shot. If only you could understand my branch of humor.

After reading her post about how everyone should "Prank the Internet" I started to read all 48 comments, because I was bored and had nothing else better to do. Everyone involved had this sinister plan to create a fake Wiki page, start a #mandatorysexparties trend on Tweeter, type a fake definition on Urban Dictionary, so on and so forth. I was truly touched. Of all the wild and crazy words I've created and never thought to make them an Internet sensation shames me.

Ok. Ok. So after reading every single comment there was because of my boredom, a light bulb went off in my head. "Text Kenny. Text Kenny." So to the voice I said, "Haa haa! Ok. That'll be funny." Then I got to texting.

Me: "Mandatory Sex Party".

Before pressing send on the screen, I just so happen to look up at the recipient. See. I have an iPhone. Whenever I go into my text messages, I'm lead to he last conversation I had. I guess there's no such thing as picking and choosing in iWhatever Land so I just naturally assumed the last person I texted was Kenny. It just is. That's the natural order of things. Anyways, apparently I forgot I was texting my older cousin Shavonne just an hour before. She's about 15 years older than me. I could only imagine the look on her face after unexpectantly stumbling upon my text "Mandatory Sex Party". Actually, that would've been kinda funny seeing as how I'm the family clown.

So, like I was saying, I was texting Kenny and I almost accidentally texted my much older cousin Shavonne but I caught myself, because, that's how I roll.

Now I'm sharing this wild and crazy story that goes absolutely nowhere because after over and hour Kenny still hasn't replied.

Ugh!


*Died Laugh, Die Laughed, or Dieing Laughing: (verb) Black term or African American term, if you wanna be all politically correct and shit:

When someone laughs so hard that tears roll down their face (i.e rolling on the floor laughing).

My Car is Making me Fat



Drawing by Pencildreams.com

I remember the good 'ol days when I'd haul ass to and from school; 25 minutes twice a day five days a week. That's a lot of cardio, yo. My calves were tight. My thighs were toned. My tummy was a simi six pack. I say simi because my tummy had potential. The lines were there when I tightened my muscles. But after I'd let them go I poked out a tad. Not bad.

I remember I used to walk everywhere! Not because I had to. My walking was all by choice because everything I needed was within a mile radius. My cousins lived up the street. Whenever I wanted to pop in and raid their fridge, all I had to do was walk ten or fifteen minutes and I was there. If I wanted to go shopping, Media Play was around the corner. If you don't know, Media Play was a mix of a record store, instrument store, movie store, toy store, book store, video game store, art store, etc... Anything that fitted in the media or entertaining category, they definitely had it. And, I practically lived there. Sadly, they went out of business in 2006. I miss them. Target took awhile to get to but nothing ever stopped me from going there. Target is my favoritest store of all time. If I felt the urge to buy some hair dye and other well needed gilry nicknacks, Rite Aid Pharmacy was a five minute walk from Media Play. If I craved a cappuccino, Sunoco gas station was a two minute walk from Rite Aid Pharmacy. If I wanted snacks, the Corner Store was up the street on the corner. Visit friends? Sure. Just cross 15 Mile Road and they were there. If I wanted to be entertained. BAM! Star Gratiot (Grr-ASH-it) Theatre was across the main street. Hungry? Blimpie's and Terry's Subs was there to feed me. I didn't need a car. All I needed was a good pair of legs and shoes and I was on my way.

My senior year in high school, it was all over. I brought my first car. It was a 1989 Geo Spectrum. Red and sassy. Georgia was her name. Georgia was an ugly little thing. Best believe she got me from point A to point B. I'm not gonna say she was reliable because she's screwed me over more than I can count. There was only AM/FM radio. The car was so old that there wasn't a tape deck. No tape deck equals no CD adapter for my CD player. The top speed on the old hag was 80 miles per hour. How embarrassing is that?! Geeze. The transmission was a bitch. I had to literally floor the petal in order to increase my speed just a little. The heat took forever to kick in. Ice was attracted to the metal like it was a huge magnate. And then one day after my senior banquette, she crocked. I hit a pot hole on my way home and my alignment snapped. My wheel turned a full 90 degrees. Declared undriveable. I was unable to sale it so I gave it to charity. I know, right. What the hell is charity gonna do with a car that's tore up from the floor up? My answer: I don't know.

As the years progressed, I purchased better cars, which could only mean more driving and less walking. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fatty by any means. My body just isn't what it was when I was a teenager. Now I'm just a lazy working girl.

M'mm. Is that bacon I smell? 

Oh Snap!

Driving north on the 347 heading to work, Krissy, sang along loudly to the music blaring out of her speakers, going high speeds of 80 miles per hour. The air conditioner was cranked to the max because that Arizona heat don't play. Keeping in mind, the sun to her left, she turns out the sun visor to protect her caramel colored skin against the 114 degree heat penetrating through the window from the sun rays that's concentrated on her through the tented window. On the passengers seat she had her iPhone laying on top her purple, blue, black, and white bubbled textured clutch wallet. Any other day, her iPhone would be in her lap like a little lap dog, but today she figured she'd let her phone seat beside her like a "big kid".

About two minutes after getting onto I-10, Krissy, decided to check her phone. On the screen she saw she had a missed call from a minute earlier. "Who in the world keeps calling me from California?" looking at the 714 area code displayed on her screen. "I'mma have to call them back and get ghetto on them. I don't know these people." Krissy thought. But she decided against it. Instead she kept her eye on the 714 number and the Santa Ana, California display looking back at her on the glowing screen. Then almost instantly, she see's she has a Voicemail. "Ooh! Look!" saying to herself, "I got a Voicemail." She frantically raced to mute her radio.

     "Hi, Krissy. This is Timothy calling from (company that shal never be mentioned). I received your resume for a dental assistant position. We have a position available in Chandler. We would like to conduct a brief phone screen with you if you have a moment. Call us back at (714) 555-3389. Thank you."

Without a single thought or hesitation, Krissy blurts out, "Oh SNAP!" and instantly displays a gigantic smile on her face. She sarcastically says to herself, "Yeah he would call me on my way to work." Not having anytime to go through the phone screen, Krissy blurts out onto the freeway traffic as she merges onto the Ray Road exit ramp, "He'll just have to wait 'till tomorrow." Looking out the window at the purple mountains in the distance, Krissy thought about the Blog post from the night before, My Job is Making me Lazy, and all the prayers she has been sending to God to help her find her way. She felt as though her life was finally moving in the right direction again. And then it hit her. "I sent them that resume back in June! This better be for an Orthodontic back office position." 

To be continued...



Drawing by Natalie Dee



My Job is Making me Lazy

Once upon a time in the hours of yesteryear, there was an era when I was a productive member of society. I'd regulate my nights with with laying down before 11 sometimes 10 PM and pacify myself with Conan O'Brian and Jay Leno (before the feud) and dose off to a good dream. My alarm would go off at 8:00 AM. Nine times out of ten I'd wake up before my alarm because that's how I roll. Anyhoos, I'd tune into the Today Show with my five best friends Matt Lauer, Ann Curry, Al Roker, Natalie Morales, and Meredith Vieira. I was perky. I was spunky. I was ready to start my day! Fast forward to 10 AM. I was in my Pepsi colored blue scrubs for class. I had big dreams of being a Dental Assistant. I had a future and that future was bright. I ate my breakfast and by 10:30 AM I was out the door.

By 11:15 AM I'd make it to class fifteen minutes early to get my socialization on. By 2:00-3:00 I was either headed home to make dinner and do homework, or preparing for a date. I had plenty of those. Or I'd be gearing up for my five hour shift at Target, only to be back in bed by 11 to start my day again.

A lot has changed since 2009. I graduated from my Dental Assisting program with a 3.7 GPA fully knowledgeable of my area of study in 2010 and then, POW!, without any warning, I can't get hired in my field. What a slap in the face that was. I went to working for Jason's Deli, Chompie's, Best Buy, Fry's/Kroger, and my present employer that shall remain nameless, all in hopes of finding a Dental Assisting gig. Well, living in the cruel world that we do, I never found that dream job. Instead, I'm working as a waitress raking in enough to survive on and save.

With the work I do now means working all evening shifts. Which in turn means, staying up late and waking up even later. The earliest I'd go to bed is about 2 AM. Latest is 6 AM. I'd generally wake up anytime between Noon and 2 PM.

This has made me lazy.

Lazy
Lazy
Lazy
Lazy
Lazy

You get the idea.

Off days. What do I do? Lay around. Before work. What do I do? Lay around. I lack a certain motivation. I don't like this version of me. I'd rather sleep than step outside the house. I'm tellin' you this is bad. So bad that I'd. Eh...we won't get into that. Just know that it ain't good.

Help!

Illustration by Shel Silverstein

Franchise

Drawing by Natalie Dee

"A solid challenge will bring forth your finest abilities."

read the Fortune Cookie.

I thought long and hard after reading that fortune. Then, the past three years flashed before my eyes. My greatest ability is expressing my emotions in writing. Of all the blog posts I've posted (Blogger and MySpace), journal entries I've written, poems I've--ugh! Who am I kidding? I gave up poetry. It's too bloody depressing. Ok. So. All of the poems I could have written, and novels I have in process, goes to show I am good at what I do. But honestly, before January 2008, writing has never been a big part of my life. I let my talent waste away while I focused on and did things I probably shouldn't have been focusing on. 

What makes 2008 to this present day so significant is the fact that I willingly moved over 2,000 miles away from my home. From everything I know. From everything that was familiar to me for a better life. Little did I know...little did I know. Moving to Arizona has become a good thing in a sense that it's helped me find myself. However, on the flip side, moving to Arizona has been a bad thing for the simple fact that I have a really hard time bonding with the people out here. There aren't any commonalities between us. And to top it all off, people here are so fake! 

I found a way to drown myself in my talent and get lost in it because I feel as though I'm alone in this big dry valley they call Arizona.

And just as quick as the flash before my eyes started, it faded away.

I crumbled up the fortune and realized that the Panda Express franchise distributes billions of this fortune a day. The only impact reading the so called fortune was make me realize how great I already am.

Crunch on that!

Kenny wants to give Krissy a Baby

Date: August 10, 2011
Original Entry: In my journal

It's no secret that I want a baby. I've only been writing about it for several years. Several. Several years. Well, the time has come, my little friends. Kenny wants to give Krissy a baby. And that ain't no secret either.

I'll be visiting Michigan again next month and Kenny is going to complete his man mission to knock me up. I'm all for it, except, I'm scared. 

I'd be fine if I stayed in Michigan already. But no. I have to travel my ass back to Arizona, get organized, save money, and focus on the 2,000 mile voyage back home. All that can't happen if I'm preggers. Then again, I don't want to be a pregnant waitress either.

There's really no way to prepare for these types of things. You just have to do it. I really want a baby and if that baby wants to come into this world now, I can't stop him/her. 

This is reality!

A Birthday Card From my Little Big Brother

For My Sister

Through our years

together

and moments

of laughter,

our tears of sadness,

and our joy
and happiness...

I've always

been glad
that you're my sister!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, Big Little Sister!

Hope you enjoy your birthday.

Love ya

-Dante

And to that, I say, thank you, Big Little Brother.

Now where ya hidin' the $20 bill?

 

Is Love Really All We Need?

Relationships are built on                                
                                    Politics,
                                             Religion,
                                                      Trust,
                                                            Honesty,
Friendship,
             Communication,
                                  Negotiation,
                                                 Respect,
                                                           Consideration,
                                                   
If Love was all we needed, then it would be easy.                         

I Found a New Gig as an Editor!

Yayee! My literary dreams are partially coming true.

My friend 'ol buddy 'ol pal, Tom, agreed to make me his Blog editor. I spent nearly all last night editing the final version of Tom Vs. Millions. I thought the job would be a piece of cake, Red Velvet cheese cake, apple pie, and Red Kool-Aid. But I was wrong. It was exactly the opposite.

Drawing by Natalie Dee

I sat at this table, on this chair, in front of this laptop for about four hours. My goal was to stay true to the story that the author was telling. I didn't want to change a thing, except for the misspelled words, poor grammar, and incorrect everything. I believe in true artistry--if that's even a word. I took Tom's words and gave them a new canvas.

Same story, different colors.

Now if I could only find a way to get paid off this guy.



It Just Comes Naturally

I can't ignore the fact that Kenny and I have been together for six months now. But at the same time, it's like we've been together for much longer. The reason behind that is because we have this indescribable bond. It's like we've known each other before--maybe earlier in life. I'm positive our paths crossed at least once or twice. And our chemistry--our chemistry is off the charts! 

When it's all sized up, there's only two factors. The first factor is that we're male and female version of each other. The second factor is that we have massive amounts of things in common. With all the common interest we have, we get loads to talk about because we're forever exchanging information and challenging one another. If we don't agree with what the other is saying, we have debates. Or I have debates, rather. I don't like leaving any stones unturned. I'm the skeptic. I find it funny how we have so many of the same corks. I think our corks are what make our relationship so unique. There's never a dull moment.

We naturally gravitate towards each other. There wasn't any pressure put on from the other six months ago and still isn't. He saw me, I saw him, and it was just BAM!  

It just comes naturally.

I Found Myself (no pun intended)

I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up! This is good news considering how I've been dabbling in everything since forever. This epiphany came to me at approximately 5:50 this morning when I woke up to check my phone and visit the porcelain throne. When I came back in my room to lay down, all these ideas came rushing into my head, and then before I knew it, I was whisked back to sleep.



Painting by Dianna Kouns

Who was the guy that said we had to pick one occupation and to do that one thing day in and day out for the rest of our lives? Well, whomever that guy is has another thing comin', 'cause I for one can't stand being told what to do. I'm a person of many talents. And like I've stated before, I'm destined for greatness. So, here it is, America. My occupations are:

• Orthodontic Dental Assistant
• Waitress
• Blogger
• Published Writer
• Literary Editor
• Photographer
• Videographer
• Videographer Editor
• Artist
• Hair Stylist
• Baker specializing in cakes, cookies, pies, and cobblers
• Painter
• Wife and mommy (when that time comes)

Working in retail on and off for ten years changed me. It made me realize that I don't want to be stuck in some building working for some corporation making money for them, being told when to be to work, what time to clock in/out, what to do while I'm at said job, when I can take vacations, how to dress, how to do my hair, if and where I can get tattoos/piercings. I'm my own person. This is my life. My one time to be. Ain't nobody controlling what this body does at any givin' time. I'm on my own path. And for the first time in ten years, I'm finally at peace with myself.

I control my life. With that, I control my happiness.

My dad would be so proud.