Thursday, March 24, 2011

The irritating truth: Itchy Nipples

Disclaimer for male readers: Don't judge me. You have nipples too. The only difference is that mine have an actual function other than just being affixed to my chest. And most importantly, they have been itchy for weeks! I apologize in advance for alienating you and making you feel weird inside. Please don't leave me! 

I'm a curious person by nature. I spend a lot of time researching things that wouldn't normally appeal to the average human being like: the normal growth cycle of a hair, the stars and consolations, PBS for all my documentary needs, snooping through Google Earth to visit home whenever I'm feeling homesick and reminisce about the good old days, the origins of Alice in Wonderland, and my most recent quest, itchy nipples. I'm a closet geek. You get the idea.

Well, today my curiosity lead me to one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, Google, and I opened up to him about a personal issue that I'm having the delight in experiencing for the past month or so. Well, Google being the sweetheart that he is, told his friend,, about me looking to help a good old friend out. Answers got in contact with me a short time later and we had a little pow-wow about my epidermal issues. This is how the conversation went.

Q: What can cause itchy nipples?

A: There are a number of reasons for this. Some might be:

Your period might be arriving soon. Um. No. As a matter of fact I just took care of that little problem less than 48 hours ago. But thanks for reminding me of my dreadful time of the month.

The skin is dry. Try using some moisturiser
. See. That would be a wonderful suggestion. Only I've been using Nivea Lotion; the thickest moisturiser I own, plus Vaseline. And as we all know, Vaseline cures everything. Jonhson & Johnson's baby oil with aloe vera and vitamin E is another good contender. Yet, I end up with the same result a few hours later. I even had to bring my buddy Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula into the equation and I only bring him out for rare special occasions. Its plain to see that nothing works! What else do you propose?

Pregnancy. If it is possible, take a pregnancy test. Wow! Now you're just thinking out of your ass. Are you even listening to yourself? I just told you I just got off my period. Do you really think I just ran out of here and got pregnant that quick?! Geeze! (paused to rethink the line of questioning) Come to think about it, pregnancy has nothing to do with moisturiser at all. Use your logics. 

Your breast are growing. Ha! Now you're talkin'! Bigger boobs! I bet my Kenny would love that. (shouting to the other room) 'You hear that, baby?! I'm getting bigger boobs!'. Yeah right. As if I need them any bigger.

I don't see why you call yourself Answers. You sure as hell didn't give me any.

Thanks for nothing. Back to self medicating and suffering I go.


  1. Haha poor u! I've experienced that too, although not for that long! Unfortunately for me they were not growing :P now I could have used that!
    Hmm no idea what can cause that, maybe you're moisterizing too much! :D
    Perhaps go to the skindoctor if it persists, although it probably will be a bit weird to ask why your nipples itch :D Hope it goes away!

  2. I know right! "Doc, we have a problem. (pause for dramatic effect) I have itchy nipples." (whips out boobs..looking at each other awkwardly)

    Yeah. That won't work.

  3. A new nickname is in the works...but I value my life so I will never say it. :):)


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