Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Santa is a Liar



Elijah said, "Santa is a liar" because he didn't get his Nintendo DS last year. 


So, this is what I told him, "First off, Santa is a she named Smama Claus and she's black. The reason you didn't get your DS is 'cause Smama didn't send her check from last Christmas and her credit card was declined and the elves went on strike 'cause Smama don't got the money to pay them for making the toys! So when Smama sends her check or her credit card clears then you'll get your DS. Oh and by the way, Santa don't want no milk and cookies...I mean Smama Claus 'cause she black. So she told me to tell y'all to leave her some chicken and hot sauce wit a few pieces of wheat bread. She lactose intolerant. So give her a Coke and keep the milk! The end."


I found this on one of my friends Facebook statuses. It was too funny not to turn into a blog post. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Long Distance Relationships Don't Work Part. 2



I've said this before and I'll say it again. Long distance relationships do not work! I don't care how many ways you slice it or dice it. No matter what, the distance will defeat you and you'll be left broken hearted and regretful.

In the span of three years I found myself in seven long distant relationships and coincidentally, they were all with someone from Detroit, Michigan. My first long distant experience happened by default. His name is Kimani (KEY-mon-knee). We met a few weeks prior to me moving to Arizona, so only naturally our relationship carried over seven State lines. That long distant relationship lasted roughly a month. We both came to the same realization that the situation we were in was completely unfair to us both so we agreed to remain as friends. Kimani continues to be a solid foundation in my life. He's one of the bestest friends anyone could have could have.

My last long distant relationship didn't end so well. Despite our fall out, he will have a permeant spot in my heart. My long distant heart throb goes by the alias Kenny. You may have heard of him. I've only written 12 blog posts about him. The bond we shared was instant. Out of this world most would say! He was truly remarkable. I'd doubt if I'd ever encounter someone with the same par as him. I never wanted to jump into another long distance relationship because I knew what it did to both people involved. I didn't want to go through that pain again, let alone with him. But as Kenny would have it, he wanted to experience it considering how he's never been in one. I gave in and both of our lives were forever changed. Nine months later, this wonderful fantastic thing we called love blew up in our faces and we aren't even talking anymore. Bummer.

My five other long distance relationships didn't end so well either. There were a lot of big fall outs that involved being cursed out, being deleted from Facebook, being Blocked on Facebook, being erased from phone contacts, having an erased text message history, deleting of pictures, and deleted from email/IM (Instant Message). And that was only from my end. I'm an emotional creature. I never let any relationship go without a fight. After the dust settled, I've managed to get in contact and stay in contact with 5 out of 7 of my dudes. That's roughly 83%. Honestly, I'd like to up that number to 90% because I'm too lazy to hold a grudge and I really do consider one of my dudes to be a very close friend. The last 17% can kick rocks. I didn't know him from a can of paint. But, only time would tell with him. Hopefully he will come around. And, yes, I'm talking about you, Kenny. I know you're reading this.

I'm sure my relationship with these dudes would've lasted a hell of a lot longer, on top of these some of these relationships not even happening if I stayed in Michigan.

For now on, I'm sticking to my local dudes. No more dating across the State lines. It causes nothing but grief and insanity.  

To read the original Long Distance Relationships Don't Work click on the link.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday (Original post date November 29, 2008)

Black Friday. The most popular shopping day of the year. After the mass of the population are done stuffing themselves with turkey and dressing, they rush out into the cold on this ridiculous journey to take their places in front of their favorite retail store with intentions of shoppin' till they drop! I ask myself, "All this for Christmas? Really?" What you hardly hear is the story from the other side; the employee side. Here is what I dug up from my MySpace archive. 


Enjoy!

Black Friday

Date: November 29, 2008
Time: Afternoon
Location: Target Greatland in Chandler, Arizona


I geared up. Put on my red shirt and Khaki pants, black Air Force Ones, made sure my name tag was in place, secured my N.Y.C Strawberry lip gloss in my pocket, and I was ready to go one on one with Black Friday.

No matter how much I mentally prepared myself for this day, no matter how much I played my past retail experience to workin' on Black Friday over and over in my head, nothin' could prepare me for what I had to work through today.

Everybody and they mama was up at my job today. At any given moment, someone was always an inch away from me. And that ain’t even the worse part. The worse part of it all was that I felt empty. I felt empty because I didn't have my Walkie, Electronics keys for the lock ups, or a *PDA. The reason for me not havin' my equipment was because we only have thirty six Walkie's and thirty six PDA's. And on top of that, there are only four sets of Electronics keys. Two hundred Target employees on staff, six of us were scheduled in Electronics, you do the math. That's right. It doesn't add up.

I really didn't think I had a fighting chance. My scheduled Black Friday assigned area was E12 through E24. That's the entire length of Electronics. The popular lock up items are Play Station/Play Station games, XBOX 360/XBOX 360 games, Nintendo DS/Nintendo DS games, Wii/Wii games, iPod's and Zunes. And it's only natural that I have the keys and a PDA on hand since those items were all in my area. I was walkin' around lookin' all pitiful thinkin' to myself, "How in the world am I gonna get through the day without my Walkie, PDA, and keys?” I don't know how I did it. But I got it done. I hustled for my equipment and NO ONE seen it coming. Hell! Neither did I.


My work day started at 11:30 AM. I walked on to the sales floor with nothing. 'Bout time 1 PM rolled around I had a Walkie, my set of keys, and my PDA in position as they usually are when I'm workin' in the Electronics and Entertainment section. I had it goin' on! And the best part was that no one dared to ask me for their equipment back. I guess things just work out that way. 


I'm proud of myself because my performance was so outstanding! I went so above and beyond that a Guest actually took out time to write me a Comment Card and gave me a good review. I didn't know this until Lynette, our GSTL (Guest Service Team Leader), announced that I got a Comment Card and actually read out the entire review from the Guest over the Walkie. No one else on the Black Friday staff got a Comment Card today but me. The good feedback was the highlight of my day. And the best part of it all was that I knew exactly what Guest wrote it out.



...I was the Queen of the sales floor, and as a result, my throat got sore. Cough drop anyone?...



*A personal digital assistant (PDA) is a handheld computer also known as palmtop computers. Newer PDAs also have both color screens and audio capabilities, enabling them to be used as mobile phones, (smartphones), web browsers, or portable media players. Many PDAs can access the Internet, intranets or extranets via Wi-Fi, or Wireless Wide-Area Networks (WWANs). Many PDAs employ touch screen technology.


Thank God I'm not in retail anymore. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Open Letter to Kenny


I had a dream that you and I were playing Hide 'N Go Seek in your house last night. It was me and you against Vern and somebody else I couldn't identify. We were in the lead because we had all the best hiding spots. At some point you had my iPhone and lost it in some rubble that was in the basement near a door, but somehow, just like an extra pair of keys, I had another set of iPhone and I didn't need the original iPhone you lost even though I went searching for it. In that same dream we spent every second together long after the Hide 'N Go Seek game was over. We were committed and stayed by each others side at all times. Everything between us was golden. We didn't have a care in the world. We were so happy and so in love and then, 8:59 AM rolled around and fucked up my happiness. It was time for me to get ready for work. Before I set my mind to getting out of bed, I laid there for 15 minutes thinking about you and about us. The reality of what had been happening over the course of this month set in and I felt this gaping hole expanding in my heart. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My mind rewound itself back to when we got together. It played out like a movie. Only that version had a happy ending unlike the real life version. And I was faced with the fact of how much I really love you and how much I really miss you. I didn't want to spend another day being depressed over losing you, so I slowly took myself out of that mind set and thought about moving to California and so on and so forth to put me in good spirits.

I never thought that I'd find myself back in this place of sadness over anyone again. I honestly thought we had it. I honestly thought that you were going to be my husband and I your wife. I don't even know how we got to this place. I didn't see it coming. All I wanted to do was talk to you. You couldn't even give me that even after all your promises of not shutting me out. You'd forsaken me and made me realize that you were no one special, but just another man. My level of heartache had reached a new low.

I just want my Kenny back! The Kenny that was crazy in love with me. I fuckin' loved you with all my heart. All I asked for was love and respect in return. I couldn't even get that.

What happened to you? What happened to us?  

40 Things by 40

I saw this Bucket List called 30 Things by 30 on a fellow bloggers blog some weeks ago and I've been having the urge to write my own. I'm just a few years older than she and I don't see all these things getting done come time I reach my 30th birthday. I'm much closer to that age than she is. So here's my Bucket List. 40 Things by 40...In no particular order.


Discovery
1.Get my Bachelor's Degree of Arts in English
2. Become a Best-Selling Published Writer
3. Expand my Vocabulary one Word a Day
4. Finally see the Ocean
5. Go Surfing
6. Get a New Piercing
7. Get my First Tattoo
8. Go Sky Diving
9. Run a Marathon
10. Grow my own Vegetable Garden

Travel
11. Move to California
12. Move to New York
13. Move to New Orleans
14. Travel Every Year and Visit all 50 States
15. Travel to South America, Europe, East Asia, South Africa, Australia, The Islands
16. Go on Regular Road Trips
17. Visit a Vineyard
18. Meet BeyoncĂ© (New York)
19. Meet Trista Russell (Chicago)
20. Meet Tyler Perry (Atlanta)

Personal
21. Keep Growing out my Hair
22. Get my High School Figure Back. Size 7/8 (I'm only a few pant sizes shy of this goal.)
23. Be like my Brother and become Fluent in Spanish
24. Learn to Speak French
25. Become my own Boss
26. Be on Reality TV (Follow in the Foot Steps of Anthony Bourdain)
27. Own More Shoes
28. Own More Clothes
29. Own More Purses
30. Marry the love of my life

Finance 
31. Win the Lottery
32. Own my own Successful Restaurant
33. Save for my Retirement
34. Grow my Savings Account
35. Become less Dependent on my Credit Cards
36. Donate to St. Jude Children's Hospital
37. Pay off my Student Loans in Less Than Ten Years
38. Pay off my Nissan Loan in Less Than Five Years
39. Pay those two Charge Offs I have on my Credit Report-Stupid Credit Reports
40. Lead a Debt Free Life

"This is my life. This is my one time to be. I want to experience all good things."
~Maya Angelou

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Blackout 2003



The day was Thursday, August 14, 2003. The weather was perfectly fit to go to the beach. My mom was off running errands while I was in my room watching old re-runs of Roseanne and my little brother, that was five at the time, was playing in his room. 4:10 PM struck (Eastern Standard Time) and all there was, was silence. The chatter from the idiot box wasn't stirring. The mellow roar of the electricity wasn't buzzing. It was silent and it demanded our attention. I didn't think much of the electricity failure seeing as how black and brown outs were common in my neighborhood. Keeping in mind that I had to start getting ready for work at 4:30 PM, I patiently waited for the subtle roar of the electricity to claim it's presents once again. But there was none. I decided to get myself in the shower giving myself a head start on my pre "going to work" preparations.

After getting out of the shower I headed back to my room to continue with my personal hygiene routine to prepare for my 5:00 PM shift at Meijer (grocery store). The bedroom window was wide open letting in the gustily light breezes of the mildly warm day. While I was preparing for my evening departure, I heard "Yeah yeah yeah, man. I just heard on the radio that there's a power outage that stretches all the way up to Canada!...". My ears were insulted. I was in disbelief as I listened to my across the street neighbor talk to my next door neighbor about the days events. In the matter of seconds I came to the realization of my reality as I heard the radio waves seek into my Caress wild berry body spray scented room. By the sounds of the lingering disconnected silence, conversations could be heard throughout the neighborhood.

Once my mom returned to care for my brother, I loaded myself into my candy apple colored 1989 Geo Spectrum, I so proudly named Georgia, and drove my two mile drive to 13 Mile and Little Mack. During the duration of my two mile drive, I couldn't believe what I seen before me. Every major street corner I took a gander at was voided of its monotonous tri-colored light signals and replaced with enforcement officers. The streets were packed with observers and everyone the like. There was no optimism in my mind. The world was going to end.

Much to my surprise, the grocery/department store was packed with people from the neighborhood and others that drove in far from Detroit and of various suburbs of Detroit. If there was an "Everybody and their mama!" moment, this was it. The big one. The apocalyptic shopping trip. One that I wasn't prepared for.

The store was running on two power generators. At my 18 year old age, I can admit that I didn't even remotely know what they were or what they did, but by the end of my five hour shift, I got to know what the two power generators did very well.

There were crowds of people in every corner of the cookie cutter box shaped store. The lines stretched far beyond the "three people per line" capacity. The lines of customers were so long that they no longer resembled lines anymore, but of one big mass that never stopped short of growing. A humans will to live is truly a remarkable thing. All of a sudden, little things like money and objects lost their appeal. The value was solely placed on food and water. And suddenly, the instinct to live kicked in. I saw the desperate look of survival in the eyes of many.

Surpassingly enough, the crowds of people matched with the limitless merchandise of the giant grocer seemed to transcend smoothly only until the first power generator failed just short of sun set. One generator was all we had to carry us through the 24 hour retailer store hours. During some point after the first generator failed, people started to freak. Me? I was practically sitting back enjoying the show. I find human behavior fascinating. One of our cashiers took it upon herself to climb her hefty ass up on her register and started yelling at the crowds of people to calm them down. Management wasn't doing much to keep the crowds tamed, so us in Department 40, had to do what had to be done, even if it took a little gusto on our parts. We had to do it. Throwing bows and all. Working the front end of a grocery store isn't all glitter and unicorns. Having balls is a requirement not and option.

Right after 9:00 PM, the second generator failed and it was every male, woman and child for their self. In the moon light that was dimly shinning into the large window walls overlooking the registers, I observed the civilized becoming very uncivilized. During the last stretch of this fiasco, management decided to start giving out flashlights. I ceased the moment and took the most expensive flashlight I could identify. The aluminum coated flashlight, fitted with two heavy double D sized batteries with a comfortable red and black silicone button to push for luminous pleasures screamed out to me like it, itself was afraid of the dark. The heavy smooth coated expensive device came equipped with a rope for easy hanging. I'm not 100% positive if the staff could take the flashlights home with them. But as I fast forward throughout these eight years I see that, that wasn't my concern considering how I still have that flashlight with the original batteries. Still works!

I walked towards my hoopty along with my co-workers. Among my co-workers was one of my bestest friends, Hasani. I didn't have time for lollygagging. My goal was to make it home quick! The mood of the town was like being in a basement with only the residual lights of the upstairs shining in from under the door. Drving down Gratiot Avenue (GRASH-it) I found only myself and the stars above me. I drove the speed limit all the way up to 15 Mile Road and Willis to stop by my Nana's house before going home to see what everyone was up to. When I pulled into the pebble lined driveway, I observed the heavy candle light glow emerging from the brick glass of the dining room. I listened to the voices from across the street at the Oxford Square town homes where I spent most of my childhood. The heat and humidity we dealt with that night wasn't fit for anyone without electricity. People were camping outside as if we were in a third world country.

After leaving from my Nana's house, I drove up four blocks to my house where my mom and brother were. I don't know how they did it, but they were fast asleep. I cuddled up near my open bedroom window to keep cool during the very warm and very humid starry night. I imagined what my boyfriend, whom I'll refer to as Andrae for this blog post, was doing . We hadn't spoke since before the power failure. And seeing as how cell phone signals were down, we didn't speak for the duration of the day. I sprawled out across my bed and dosed off to the sounds of crickets and distal conversations.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Kenny V.s Spenny (Original Post Date November 19, 2007)

I dug up this little piece of literature from my MySpace archive that I saved on my laptop. As you see, this was written exactly four years ago on this day. I think its pretty gosh darn phenomenal that I decided to go through my old blog files that fell on this exact date. I didn't plan this. I swear.


Anyway, enjoy...and don't gag. 



Kenny Vs Spenny: Who Can Eat More Meat?

Date: November 19, 2007
Time: Prime Timeish
Location: Macomb Township, MI


If you've never seen this show on Comedy Central then you don't know what your missin'. The show is basically about these two best friends who compete against each other every week. The winner gets the glory and the looser does whatever the winner tells him. Their competitions are ridiculous, immature and intensely funny, which brings me to my next point.

I had just turned to Comedy Central and caught the last 10 minutes of South Park. The commercial for Kenny vs. Spenny came on and I was like, "Eww! I'm not watchin' that!!!" Little did I know, I did watch that and I'm completely regretful that I did.

The competition for this episode was: Who could eat the most meat. Yeah! Pretty gross. I got suckered in. I just wanted to watch the first few minutes to see how the competition started but somehow I got sucked in. 
  
The way the two best friends kept tabs on who ate the most was by weighing the meat. Kenny was in the lead until the very end of the show. Spenny took the lead because he was smart about what he was doing and he didn't get barbaric like Kenny.       

First off let me say, Kenny is insane. He ate any meat that came his way. His first choice was cow's tongue which was gross to begin with. I like Spenny because he's smart and sincere. He started off eating a whole turkey. By staying in the game he found a clever way to digests his meat. I beat you're sayin’ to yourself, "Hmm. That doesn't sound so bad." You're wrong! 

In the begging of the episode Spenny was soundly asleep until Kenny came in his room with a bucket of cow organs and intestines and dumped it on him. This part was so funny to me because the editors put it in slow-mo. Spenny jumped out of bed yelling "What is this?!!!! What is this?!!!" and Kenny ran away like a little girl and hid in the corner of the living room. Spenny then found the nearest object, which happened to be an extension cord, and whipped Kenny's back.

The next part wasn't so funny. This is when it got nasty. At the height of Kenny's carnivorous journey Kenny spontaneously started throwing up. I yelled out "Oh! Jeeze!" covered my eyes and lowered the volume on the TV because I starting gagging and I literally almost threw up too. This lasted at least five minutes on three separate occasions.

Since I watched that episode last night I have been turned off by meat. That's bad considering how my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving is nothing but three days away...

Nasty, right? Go out there and search for this episode on YouTube or somethin' so you can actually see what I saw and be grossed out at the same time. 

If you saw this episode and remember it, more power to ya!

Things I've Learned at Jimmy John's


A good way to stand out in the restaurant industry other than having a good old fashion food war is by having artifacts displayed on the walls. Artifacts are a good way of standing out in this massily overgrown industry. The display gives the building or company and overall theme or mood that sets them apart from the next guy. Some companies use retro items, while others use signs, dollar bills, writing on the wall, you name it, it’s out there. However, there is one restaurant out there that has their own flair that I’ve fallen in love with years ago. The witty and cleaver artifacts I’ve come across on Jimmy John’s walls are classic! Above all, they are original and I love the humor of this guy. It's like he lives in my head! I stopped by there today and fell in love with this poster. I Googled it as soon I got home because I had to share it with the world. I am a Blogger. Duh! That’s what I do. Number eleven is my favorite. A bout time you get done reading this you might have a few favorites of your own. If you have never been to a Jimmy John’s I suggest you get on it. They have the best subs and clubs I’ve ever had.

Here it is. 

16 Things it Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn

Enjoy! 

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine... They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

You can't tell me you didn't laugh out loud.

Friday, November 18, 2011

An Ode to Michigan According to Jeff Fox Worthy

  1. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan.
  2. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Michigan.
  3. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan.
  4. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Michigan.
  5. If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan.
  6. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan.
  7. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan.
  8. If you have switched from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan.
  9. If you can drive 75 MPH through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan.
  10. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan.
  11. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan.
  12. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan.
  13. If the speed limit on the highway is 70 MPH and you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan.
  14. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan.
  15. If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan.
  16. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan.
  17. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan.
  18. If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Michigan friends and others can see, you definitely do live, or have lived, in Michigan.
I miss my Mitten

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Shiraz

Date: November 3, 2011
Location: Work
Time: Sometime after 9:00 PM

I grew up today. No, I don't mean in a forceful way, I meant it in a wine enthusiast way. I tasted the flavors of adulthood tonight at work at the bar and I liked it! I would've never in my wildest dream...ok. Maybe my wildest dream, but that's where it ends. I never thought that I'd taste the strong burnt berry flavors of red wine again since my unexpectant run in with moscato nine moths ago. But there I was sipping gladly without a care in the word.

Red wine is far from my usual alcohol of choice. I'd normally go for white or blush wines and cocktails. The only reason I ran for the shiraz was because of the $2.00 price tag a glass...or the $2.00 employee price tag, I should say. Otherwise I would've been like, "Fuck it!" and drove my sober ass home. My second glass of wine was merlot, only because I'd unexpectedly drank the last of the shiraz and also because the $2.95 price tag was screaming out to my dollars like a $2.95 hooker. I couldn't say no. The wine and I was a done deal.

After leaving my job, I made an unexpected stop at Fry's just for the hell of it. I didn't have to buy a thing but I found myself buying Yellow Tail shiraz-grenache. Why grenache you ask? Hell if I know. It was just one of those things I had to buy.

After tasting all three types of wines in the matter of two hours, I started to experience a kick ass buzz. I kinda liked what was going on. The effects kicked in quicker than liquor. Hey! I made a rhyme. Haa haa! The taste was a tad bitter than what I'm used to drinking. As long as I have a hearty meat or sweet chocolate, the tartness is nothing I can't bare. I guess I would have to say the taste of the shiraz was a little more sophisticated than what I would've expected it to be.

However, as they say, all good things must come to an end, considering how I've been drinking. And you know, they say you shouldn't drink and write. Apparently that's a no go either. So on that note, I'm out!

Peace, Love, and Drunkness!