This feature blog comes straight from my cousins cranium. I don't know how he comes up with the things he does, but I find them hilarious!
If you'd like, check out an older post of his I featured a month ago: "Woman verbally assults man over carpenter jeans"
Enjoy!
Chandler, AZ – A community in one area of Chandler is in a state of shock and fear following one resident’s startling actions. Police officer Manny Cuffalots described the neighborhood and now the nation as being “all in a tizzy”.
The incident began at a local McDonald’s, where Chandler man Michael Hawkins went to have lunch on the afternoon of Friday, April 15, 2011. At approximately 3:38 pm (Officer Cuffalots insisted that it was NOT 3:37 pm), Hawkins proceeded to order. Sources say that Hawkins’ order was a Big Mac and a large sweet tea, and contained no trace of an order of fries.
Officer Cuffalots reported the following quote from Dee Nial, the employee who took Mr. Hawkins’ order that fateful afternoon – “When other patrons standing in line heard this outlandish order which clearly omitted a very important part of a McDonald’s experience, they all stopped what they were doing. Expressions of bewilderment and…honestly –
FEAR, began washing over everyone’s face. No one could really believe what they were hearing…or more accurately, what they
weren’t hearing.” Nial further explains, “I had one of those experiences where you just saw something happen – was even in the middle of it, involved and all – but just felt completely out of body as if you were watching a movie of you experiencing the event…I was totally freaked out.”
Nial goes on to say that after about 15 seconds of complete silence, an elderly woman lost the grip on her precious order of fries. “When those fries hit the floor, that’s when the chaos began.”
Alberta Usedbags-Sullivan, 78, had just ordered her #5 combo with fries and was on her way to a booth to enjoy her meal when she overheard Hawkins’ monstrous demand of a burger and a drink but no fries. When at last able to speak, Usedbags-Sullivan told reporters, “HUH?? WHAT’D YA SAY, SONNY?! Y’SAY ‘CANDLES LIVE IN CONDOMS’????!! OH….YOU SAID ‘CAN I GIVE A COMMENT!’ WHY CERTAINLY WHIPPERSNAPPER! I WAS STANDING HERE – I MEAN
BENT OVER HERE GETTING A NAPKIN CLOTH AND BOUT’ TO GO SAT MYSELF DOWN OVER THERE AT THAT SEATING AREA OVER THERE…JUST RIGHT OVER THERE, Y’SEE! PAST THOSE OTHER SEATING AREAS…I REMEMBER WHEN ALLLLL OF THIS WAS JUST FARMLAND AS FAAAAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE. OF COURSE BACK IN THOSE DAYS, I
COULD SEE! AND I BE JOHN BROWN…ALL THE THINGS I HAD DONE SEEN! THERE WAS FARMLAND AS FAAAAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE…AND…AND…UH….THERE WAS FARMLAND HERE Y’KNOW! FAAAAAAR AS THE EYE-“
We had to end the statement from Mrs. Usedbags-Sullivan. It goes on like that at some length.
Recollections from other patrons report that Usedbags-Sullivan dropped her order of fries from pure horror at what she had just (
kinda heard…her hearing aid has been acting up apparently) heard. Sources say that she began screaming in sheer terror that she had dropped her fries on the floor. People began to panic at the sight of spilled french fries sprawled across the dirty tiled floor, its red with a yellow smiley face container lying emptied and barren. More victims began to cry out in dismay at the horrible scene unfolding, and began pointing hatred-filled fingers at Michael Hawkins.
Virginia Wigstrait, a customer, stated, “That, that….
man was the cause of that nice old lady’s fries being destroyed! What kind of
MAN would do something like that? What kind of red-blooded, one-leg-at-a-time-pants-put-on’er would make such an…
unearthly order?”
Customer Harry Balsonya chimed in, “That boy ain’t right…” Balsonya then proceeded to narrow his eyes very thinly and chew on a piece of wheat he apparently had stored in his overalls.
According to sources, Mr. Hawkins tried to calm everyone down. A statement taken from him by Officer Cuffalots – “I knew this would happen. I knew that I was risking
everything by going inside instead of using the drive-thru. At least if I had used the darn drive-thru, I could’ve sped off once I heard all the yells of terror. But after it all started, I tried to tell everyone that, look – I don’t HAVE to like McDonald’s Fries… I tried to tell them that its perfectly normal and that I do not have a disease, that I am not an escaped mental patient, and that I’m not a terrorist.”
Cuffalots stated that one response from the terrified crowd was “Is this Punk’d?”, and that when Hawkins stated that it was not, the chaos continued at a heightened level.
The accusations of Hawkins being alien came from 14 year old Chelsey Buttertails. “I know I'm young, but I never heard that kind of talk in my life…its’ always either you order a combo, or you order a burger and a drink….never a sandwich and a drink
with no fries. It was as if he wasn’t even speaking a human language. That’s when I figured out that he couldn’t be human.” Buttertails sat on the ground, grabbed her legs up to her chest, and began rocking back and forth, then said “
He must be an alien.”
Apparently at the time of the unfathomable event, Buttertails yelled out “ALIEN!!!” and the scared group of Chandler citizens became an angry mob fueled by fear of the otherworldly. Reports state that people began making crosses with their fingers and holding it up to Hawkins, tearing the seats from their immovable poles in the ground and hurling them at his head, and even pointing their fingers at him in the shape of a gun and yelling “PEW! PEW!”
One more disturbing report suggests that someone yelled out “Where’s Mulder and Scully!?!?!?”
After local authorities responded to disturbance calls, Hawkins was held at gunpoint by the responding officers.
Police Chief Bobby Busteurbals gave this statement to local news crews, “At 3:42 pm, my men and the whole lot of citizens and patrons on scene witnessed Mr. Michael Hawkins levitate from the ground and fly off into the sky at the speed of a locomotive. It is by these accounts that we have determined that Mr. Hawkins is not a human being, but some sort of alien. His non-french fry ordering behavior was correctly analyzed as non-human, and we are all lucky he is gone. However, we now know that the threat is very real. There are unexplained beings among us. We must not panic, but the fear is inevitable. May God have mercy on us all.”
Chief Busteurbals has declared the city of Chandler under a state of marshall law. Any and all McDonald’s orders will now be monitored and recorded by the FBI. There will be further actions taken by the CIA per president Obama’s orders. A warning has gone out that any suspicious McDonald’s French Fry related behavior will result in immediate detainment, questioning, and “whatever else we gotta do” stated Busteurbals.
When asked what justifies as suspicious behavior, Chief Busteurbals simply said, "Just make sure you order the (expletive) fries."
One source asked to be unnamed gave an alternate take of this story’s ending, “Hawkins didn’t “fly away”…what happened was someone almost dropped their fries again and everyone looked toward that person in genuine concern….Hawkins took that opportunity to run away as fast as he could. Everybody is scared, though…and when people are scared, they make up stuff…stuff that ain’t even happen…but you’re so scared that it seems true to you…and you go along with it. So that’s why they say he flew away… I don’t know WHAT that guy is…but he’s something different alright. You don’t
NOT like McDonald’s french fries. You just don’t.”
In related news, it was discovered that that whole McDonald’s and its surrounding area used to be all farmland as far as the eyes could see.
