Saturday, February 26, 2011

"Woman verbally assaults man over carpenter jeans"

This blog is a feature mainly because I'm too lazy to come up with a topic of my own on a Saturday and because its really nice outside and I don't want to be tethered to my computer for three or four hours typing and editing. So I'm going to leave you with this blog my cousin Michael posted today about his carpenter jeans. The blog is hilarious!


Earlier this year, a Maricopa, Arizona woman named Trina "Shavonne" Norton verbally attacked a man, Michael Awesomeguy (later revealed to be her cousin) who was wearing denim carpenter jeans. Eyewitnesses and those within earshot stated that Norton said the man's pants were "sloppy and out of fashion", and that he looked like he "should be out bidding on painting jobs".
Norton further berated the mans lower-wear by adding "...and what's the point of all those stupid pockets?! You don't even have anything in them!"

The attack took place inside of a Burlington Coat Factory in Tempe, Arizona at the men's fashions section. Awesomeguy, who was shopping for a few striped polo shirts and a couple pairs of new carpenter jeans stated that the verbal barrage came out of nowhere and took him by surprise. "I mean nobody ever said anything before. I never thought anything was wrong with my jeans. All of a sudden while I'm sifting through the 50% off rack trying to find some blue-jean shorts, I get her flying all off a handle at me and stuff."

Shoppers present at the time of the tirade reportedly looked at Awesomeguy's carpenter jeans all at the same time, then looked at Norton, then back at the jeans, then back at Norton, then at Awesomeguy, then back at the jeans, then shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is, personally." stated Chandler man Harry Ballzonia, "They're just pants."
Amanda Hugginkis of Stafford said, "I guess I never really thought about all those unused pockets on carpenter jeans..." as she stared off into the distance contemplatively. "My husband has a few pair..."

Local law enforcement (store security) were called in to contain the situation. Police chief (head security team lead) Marty Wazzenbaker said the situation was pretty ugly at the time him and his men (a couple of guys from the back) showed up on the scene. "There were insults flying all over the place, a couple kids dropped their ice cream cones, and an old lady had to sit down." Wazzenbaker said that they used a store salesman to lure Norton away from Awesomeguy's pants with promises of 30% off on select shoes. "That got her." said Wazzenbaker.

Norton gave a statement following questioning and her eventual release from the little room they keep mall offenders in, "I mean c'mon! Who wears carpenter jeans anymore? Painter's pants is more like it. And what's up with that little loop on the side of the leg? What're you gonna ever use that for? Carpenter jeans are only for carpenters and painters and other men who work in the skilled trades. They have no business being seen in public."

When Awesomeguy learned of his cousin's further harsh words, he reportedly turned to attorney Blane Gimpstead to see if he possibly had a legal case. "My client came to me with tears in his eyes and a cell phone inside of one of his many pockets, and described the situation. I told him that while very cruel and unfortunate his situation is, there are no laws against acute fashion criticism. I'm afraid he has no case." Gimpstead was wearing a nice pair of pressed khakis.

Awesomeguy decided that his relationship with his cousin is now in a questionable state, however his relationship with his carpenter jeans is stronger than ever. "They've been there for me more than anyone else. If I ever need an extra pocket, they've got me covered. If for some reason I need to paint all of a sudden, they've got me covered. Even in the rare event that I need a convenient place to hold a hammer, there's this little loop on the side of the leg here. I mean, there's no other pants that have a loop on the side of the leg for holding a hammer! You could even use that to hold a paintbrush, a t-square, a lug many things."

When asked if there was any emotional scarring, Awesomeguy hung his head and said, "M-maybe I should get a pair of skinny jeans..."

In more recent news, Trina "Shavonne" Norton was apprehended earlier this week for punching her 6 year old son Camron in the jaw. Apparently, Norton arrived home one day to find the boy wearing carpenter jeans bought by his cousin Michael Awesomeguy who allegedly purchased them immediately after the incident inside Burlington Coat Factory.

A trial has been set for later this month.


  1. That women needs Relax about carpenter jeans wow I still wear them and their great I love them so does my girlfriend she can't keep her hands off them


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