Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fuck Love

Two rejects in three days. That's all it took to bring me down into this crappy mood I'm in.

Three days ago I built up the courage to get in touch with Lee. I expected him to unleash all of his bottled up feelings he had for me since I cut him off  after our break up. I was expecting him to run back into my arms and I was expecting us to live happily ever after like we once planned. Well things didn't go that way. He told me he was back with his daughters mother and that they were giving their relationship one more try. I held my tongue and I told him that I wished them the best. Deep down I was crushed and I felt foolish for getting back in touch with him at all. He's my ex fiance. I suppose this is a natural reaction after finding out that you may never get to be with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with again.

James on the other hand. He's an ex of mine as well. We met three years ago. He was the first person I dated when I moved to Arizona. Our relationship lasted 5 1/2 months. That's the longest relationship I've held since moving here. The guys in AZ are so different than the guys from back home. But that's another story. Our relationship could have lasted longer if he wasn't so self centered and immature. I'm two years older than he is and I know a thing or two about relationships. James is three years older than he was when we were together and he's been telling me about how much he's matured since then.

Two weeks ago we were talking about the details of his relationship.  He was telling me how the relationship he's in remotely resembles a relationship at all. He told me that there's no sex, no communication, and no trust. He felt that their relationship was leading nowhere and he someday wanted to be married and what-not. Because of her being so distant with him he was threatening her with a potential break up to straighten her up but he also wanted to give her another chance to make it work. Their relationship is all crazy. I kept telling him to leave her because I felt that their relationship was a waste of time and energy if she's not giving him the time or day. He eventually broke it off with her which leads me to, well, me.

My situation involves Juan. We have a relatively short history. We met a year ago at my old job. As he was giving me his number, I quickly recognized his 810 are code. It turns out that he was from Michigan too. Kind of exciting I might add. So after the exchanging of the numbers Juan broke a very valuable dating rule. He started texting me within hours of receiving my number. The unofficial Dating Rules state that the first conversation must be a telephone conversation that takes place three days after exchanging numbers. No bueno, Juan. That was strike one. Not only did he text me. He was texting me odd random questions that made me uncomfortable. He called me some short hours later and I remember telling him that I would call him back. Twenty minutes went by and he text me "I thought you were calling me back". I wasn't done doing what I was doing so of course I didn't call back. It didn't stop there. The non-stop weirdo text evolved into him calling me back to back which then lead to him leaving two or three voicemails. By night fall I'd had enough of him and I told him not to contact me anymore. And I rudely demanded him to delete my number. That was the end of that.

Three months later in late April I courageously contacted him. We did some catching up which enabled us to tell our sides of the story about what had happened on that fateful February day. Once everything was cleared up and out in the open talks of us getting into a relationship arose. Everything was great. We spoke every day. We had a really good connection. We shared a lot of the same goals. We had feeling about one another. We were like gitty teenagers. Nothing could go wrong. Or that's what I thought. Everything wasn't so great as it turned out.

On our first date after dinner Juan took me to Kay's Jewelers to look at engagement rings. I was feeling a bit creeped out because all of a sudden our fun new relationship started to feel serious and too real. Don't get me wrong. I do want to get married some day. I do want to be with someone that I could love and cherish forever, but what I experienced felt more like pressure than what was supposed to be a fun spontaneous adventure. I found out something about myself that day. I wasn't in any rush to get married. That was strike two. He came off as being too eager. Sure! Any girl in this would feel that that was romantic and that it would be a great story to tell the grand kids blah blah blah. But in my position were I stood there, staring at that ring on my finger, fear come over me. I wasn't so sure if I was able to love nor be in love with him forever. Hell! At that point in our relationship, I wasn't even sure if I was in love with him despite the feelings I felt.

Hours later he brought up an interesting topic. He started asking me where I wanted to live once we were married. "Chandler, Gilbert, Scottsdale?" I didn't know how to answer him. I just looked at him with a blank stare and changed the subject. We were still on our first date for goodness sake. How am I supposed to absorb all of that information in one night? The only thing that kept running through the back of my head was "This is it. This is it." And that wasn't even the exciting "This is it" either. It was the dreadful "This is it" that kept running through my head. I didn't express any of this to him at the time because I didn't know I wasn't ready for marriage, so I just went along with it.

On May 17, 2010 I went over to his place after work. Unaware of the fact that a  HUGE basketball game was on that day, I suffered through being ignored for hours. Here's an excerpt to my diary.
  "My love life is so bipolar, I swear.

   We hit a bump yesterday and I think I have to be honest. I don't think I want to stay and try to fix it.

    First it was the...(This paragraph contains a very detailed, very personal, and very disappointing sex life. So I'm just gonna go ahead and leave this part out. Sorry.)

   Second, the basketball game was on. As soon as 6:00 rolled around it was like I didn't even exist. It's a freakin' game! Why do I have to come second to it?

   All in all, I'm not in love. I think I'll call it quits."  

After thinking about what had been going on in our relationship as far as marriage and sex was concerned, I broke up with him two days later. I told him that I felt that we were moving too fast and I felt that it would be best if we took a step back to get to know each other a little more as friends before we took such a huge leap and then continue on with our relationship in the coming weeks or so. I thought I was being fair. He neither agreed nor disagreed. And I didn't hear from him again for a long while. Breaking up with Juan lead me to Kent.

While I was in the good phase of my relationship with Kent, Juan called me quite a few times trying to get me to get back with him. I told him I couldn't just drop what I had with my new boyfriend to be with him. I had to let the relationship run it's natural course. Which I did. About time Juan decided to contact me again I was in a long distant relationship with Lee. That night in early October Juan called me in a panic urging me to go out to dinner with him so we could talk. He really wanted me back. Part of me really wanted him back too, but I had to stick to my guns, and told him what I once had before. "I have to let this relationship run it's natural course".

A month later in late November our relationship ran it's natural course and I recontacted with Juan after Lee and I broke it off. By mid December we were a hot item again. Only this time all of his spunk for our relationship had faded away but we were doing really good for two people that had a bipolar relationship. We both agreed that we were in this for the long haul and I had gotten over my marital anxiety that he so conveniently never knew about. There's some things men don't need to know. And marital anxiety is one of them.

On January 21, 2011 our lives changed. He sent me a text at 9 pm
   "Today at work my company told us we got brought out by some company named Sentry Insurance. I'm pissed. They're giving us two weeks to find a new job or transfer to either their Tucson,AZ or Columbus, OH location. They're willing to relocate, but I'm on the phone with my mom. So I'll talk to you as soon as I cool down."

At 2 am I received another text
  "After talking to my mom and all the stuff that has happened to me while in AZ we both agreed that it's time for me to move back to Michigan and start over."

I replied, "Are you serious?!" with my jaw on the floor

He replied, "Yeah. I have no other option really. I can't be out here with no job so I'm just going to go back to get my Masters Degree."

I called. No answer.

He text me, "I don't feel like talking. I'm irritated about this whole situation. My older brother is flying out here in a couple of weeks to help me drive back."

The next day I text him "Are you gonna talk to me today?" No reply. I called him. No reply. I text him again later that night. No reply. So what's a girl to do in this situation? She waits it out of course. What do you take me for? Anyhoo, she also goes and tells James about her situation when they were talking about his situation which brings us to the current date.

During that conversation we had regarding our ugly relationships we made a pact. The pact was to see how things would go during the coming weeks regarding our love lives. We agreed that if we were both single we would get back together and make our relationship work. If we were still in our current relationships we'd wish each other the best.

So like I was saying, I went on a whelm and contacted Lee. He leaked sensitive information telling me that he was back with his baby mama. James, as I knew it, was single. But I really wanted to give me and Lee another try before I committed to James. Realizing that it's been a few days since James and I spoke I reached out to him.

James is such a dumb ass, I swear. He tells me that he and Erin know that their relationship isn't going to work out but they want to give it one last whoo rah just to make sure. And she's living with him "temporarily" to see how things go. The details of their relationship doesn't make one ounce of sense to me. I have to admit that I was pissed. I almost cried. But I was most certainly pissed. Two rejects in three days! That has to be an all time low...or an all time high for me. I don't know which is the right adjective. But you get the idea.

The status between Juan and I is in limbo. He hasn't contacted me since he gave me the bad news ten days ago. I call myself being considerate and allowing him a chance cool down and come to me. But I don't know what to think about us anymore. I went from fantasizing about a future with him to not knowing if I'd ever hear from him again. I'm really disappointed because I was actually starting to fall in love with him this third time around. And I'm also disappointed that he didn't come and talk to me about his situation before making a final decision. The last time I checked I was in that relationship too. I guess he saw it differently. Instead, he ran to his mama like a little boy.

Until I hear from Juan again, we're over. I mean, think about it. We don't have anything that remotely resembles a relationship. And I'm not gonna keep waiting around for him. ST-EEEE-RIIIIIIIKEEE THREE! I do not do long distance relationships nor do I pursue.

This is why I say fuck love. I'm tired of getting hurt.


  1. Wow, what a jerk, how can he not let you know what's going on ! He just up and left without even discussing it with you or talking about what to do from that point on. And you're right, love does suck. For some people it seems to go pretty smoothly, but some of us, we just get the door in our face every time.

  2. You're absolutley right. I think I'm done with relationships for awhile

  3. There wasn't a good Reaction for this one, but I know how you feel.

  4. Things have really turned around for me since I posted this. I actually found the love of my life! :) I wrote about him in Love Story and in The Reason.

    I know what I went through was sad, but in essence, I just wasn't meant to be with those other dudes. Everything happends for a reason. You can't forget that. That mentallty really helped me to cope with the bs those guys put me through. But everything is fine now. I hope they all rot in hell


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