Monday, March 21, 2011


I've been working for the grocery store for four months as of last week. It doesn't take much skill to operate a register. That's why I do the things I do. I get in, get out, and go home.

In the four months I been working there I learned how to run U-Scan in 15 minutes shortly after the Holiday Season. At that point, I was working for the company a little over a month and I mastered it. However, with my manager being the sweet little flamboyant thing that he is, he signed me up to take a U-Scan training class for today.

I arrived there five minutes late. That goes without saying. The training store was two miles further than my home store and I underestimated the time it took to drive to that location from my house. Look at you. You thought I was talkin' about BP Time. Shame on you. Anyways, when I got there I didn't know where to go for the training so I approached the manager that was bagging on a check lane.
"Excuse me. Are you the manager?"
"I'm here for a U-Scan training class. I don't know where to go. Can you tell me where the training room is?"
"Yes. It's right through that hallway and up the stairs." I didn't see any 'right through that hallway' from where I was standing and I can't read pointing fingers, so I interrupted him.
"I'm sorry. Where is the hallway?"
He pointed again. "Right over there and up the stairs."
I stopped him again. "I'm sorry. Where?"
He pointed again. "Right through there and up the stairs."
That guy obviously didn't see the point I was trying to make. How about 'Go past the plants and the hall will be immediately to your right. The stairs are at the end of the hall and the training room is the third door to the right.' I don't know where that guy learned how to give directions, but the person who taught him needs to be fired. I was about to ask him where I was supposed to clock in before I walked away, but I was too frustrated with him by that point and just said, "Forget it." as I walked away.

Needless to say, I successfully made it up the stairs. Once up there, I was lost. Dude didn't give me any type of direction whatsoever. To my right was a long hallway; to my left was the employee Mens Restroom and directly in front of me was the employee Ladies Restroom. I thought to myself, "This looks just like the training store in Mesa. If its anything like that store, then the training room is right through this door." I was wrong. I ended up wondering into the break room. But not just any break room. I wondered into a break room that had a sheet cake. But not just any sheet cake. Birthday cake! If anybody knows anything about me they know that I love me some cake. Birthday sheet cake is my favorite. I walked up to it to see what flavor it was. Chocolate/vanilla marble cake with crazy air brushed red, white, blue, and green vanilla frosting with colorful sprinkles. The cake was presliced and I already had the piece I wanted picked out in my head. That's right. The corner. I slowly but surly snapped out of my sugar fantasy and found my way to my training class without any help from Dumb Ass downstairs.

While I was sitting at the table listening to the trainer talk all I could think about was having a slice of cake. A fat thought. I know. But I loves me some cake. You just don't know.

The trainer had me and the two other employees on the computer doing some online modules. Somewhere between starting the modules and taking our break I brought up the fact that there's cake in the break room. No one acknowledged what I was saying.

Before I could complete the first module, I was nodding off like I had just took NyQuil. Its something about placing me in front of a computer and expecting me to learn. I'm a traditional learner through and through. But whatever. I was gettin' paid for doing absolutely nothing. After I finished the second module I got up from my seat and walked towards the door. The trainer stopped me.
"You're going to the restroom, right?"
I looked at him said "Yeah." and continued to walk out the door. To the restroom? No. I knew exactly where I was heading. I head straight to the break room and ate me a slice of cake like a fatty. You can't blame me though. The lid on the box clearly read 'Help yourself.' so I did. After about five minutes or so, I headed back to the training room full of energy. Immediately after entering the room the trainer told us we could take our 15 minute break. If only he had known what I had just done.

Finally, 4:30 PM. Class was over. I walked past the break room on my way to the stairs and immediately stopped myself before I placed foot on the first stair. I heard the sheet cake calling my name. I had to answer. I couldn't leave the building without it. I pulled an Aunt Matty on them and walked out with two slices.

Don't judge me. What's your vice?

Facebook Status 3/21/2011: "I am to cake what bugs are to light."

(Cartoon by Natalie Dee)


  1. Haha how naughty of you :D sometimes you just gotta go for it though ;) Your post reminded me of a hilarious illustrated blog post about cake:
    thought you might find it funny :p

  2. I didn't even read the blog yet, but the illistration had me laughing out loud. That type pf artwork reminds me of my mom and that's how I really feel on the inside. "Cake is the only thing that matters!" Lmao!


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