Sunday, January 30, 2011
How to be a Good Customer 101
1) Give me your Loyalty Card when I ask you for it. Don't tell me you want to wait until the transaction is done because you like to see the savings show up on the end. I don't care what you like. The reason I ask you ahead of time is so I can get that part out the way and focus on getting you out of here. We are being timed on our scans and waiting to swipe your Loyalty Card until the end takes time and precious points off of my score. Yes we are being timed and ranked on who's the fastest. I'm currently in the ninetieth percentile. I'd like to be in the 100th percentile one day.
2) When you have an item you don't want, hand it to the cashier. I don't understand why that's so hard for you to do. Why are you trying to hide the item like I can't see you? Give me the shit so I can set it aside!
3) When you have a hand basket, place that shit on the conveyor belt! Don't shove it off in some random corner for someone to discover later. We don't like clutter in our store, genius!
4) Be prepared. You went shopping for a reason. That reason happens to be to spend. Don't waste my time and discover you forgot your wallet or purse in the car after the transaction is over and done with. There's five people behind you that was responsible enough to bring their payment with them. You on the other hand are a disgrace.
5) The check lane is clearly marked Express Lane 15 Items or Less. Get the hell out my lane!
6) U-Scan is designated for small orders. Why are you bringing your "shopping for the week" ass over here? Take your ass to check lane 3!
7) Screaming, rude, out of control children are to be left at home. 'Nuff said.
8) We (me and my bagger) are not responsible for what you forgot to grab. Here. Let me ring you up so the people behind you who remembered what to grab a can leave within a reasonable amount of time. You're wasting our time waiting on you.
9) Get your ass up off the U-Scan scale! That's for food. Not your ass.
10) Yes I know some of your savings show up automatically. However, there are some that show up after I Total out the transaction. Don't get all bent out of shape and start questioning me about the price. It is what it is. Just wait until I Total your order out before we jump to conclusions about what's right and what's wrong.
11) Get off the phone! I'll completely ignore the fact that you're having a conversation with someone that's not even here with you and talk ask you if you found everything ok, ask you if you have your Loyalty Card, and if you have any coupons. You're in my lane. I get your undivided attention.
12) Read the sales paper! It is clearly marked that you have to buy $25 worth of groceries before you get the 4 for $11 sales price.
13) No we're not accepting competitor coupons at the time. Why are you trying to sneak one in your coupon stack? I'm literate. I can read that this does not belong to us.
14) What? You can't get that from the bottom of your cart? Then how the hell did you get it down there?!
15) Who's idea was it to stick four different types of apples in one produce bag? All produce have different produce numbers. Why are you making my job so damn difficult? We have to weigh the produce according to the produce numbers, idiot. Now I have to take time away from what I'm doing to separate your apples. Thanks.
16) Yes I have to scan all of your pop. Just because they are all the same price don't mean a thing. There's this thing called inventory. Google it.
17) No I can't cash your lottery ticket. The Service Deck closes at 8 pm. Can't you read the sign that's directly in front of your face?
18) I asked you if you had a coupon for a reason. Don't try to be cute and ask me should you have one or if I have some for you. Shut the fuck up!
19) Lady! Everyone just got off work and this place is packed. Why are you giving me a stack of 50 coupons? Thanks. Now everyone behind you hates me.
20) No I can't honor this coupon. It's expired.
21) What do you mean this is your item? Oh. I'm sorry I didn't see any divider down. Um..let me quickly explain this to you. That ugly 12 inch black stick is what we call a divider. It is used to divide orders between customers so we know what belongs to who. USE IT! I'm not one of your psychic friends.
22) The check lane light is off. I'm either off my shift or I'm going on break and I'm tired on top of that. Why are you sneaking into my lane? I can see you.
23) I'm not responsible for any coupons stickered to the item. As long as I act like I didn't see it, I'm not accepting it.
24) Don't call me by my name if I don't know yours.
25) Um...is there anything on your screen? If you used a card to pay for your things pay attention to what you're doing instead of zoning out like I'm the problem.
26) Rain Checks. Hand them to me before I start the transaction. That way I wouldn't have to go back to Void out all of the rain check items just to give you the sales price, idiot.
27) Um..I asked you for your Alternate I.D because you don't have your physical Loyalty Card with you. I didn't ask you for your effin' I.D. Pay attention!
28) No I can't get your prescriptions. The Pharmacy is closed and the Law forbids me to get them for you.
29) Uh. Excuse me. I'm talking to someone else at the moment. Grow up and wait your turn. Don't interrupt.
30) So you mean to tell me that you can't see my purse hanging off my shoulder, with my jacket on, my phone in one hand and my keys in the other and you still wanna ask me where shit is? Leave me alone. I'm off the clock!
If you're offended by any statements made above, then that means you're one of those types of customers. Get a clue. Get a fuckin' clue.